When I think of parenting, I often imagine an invisible rope that is connecting parent and child.
Some days, this rope feels steady, a reminder of the bond you’ve built together. But there are times when your child might pull away, drop the rope, or even set it on fire with words or actions that sting. These moments can shake us to our core, leaving us hurt, frustrated, and unsure of how to respond. Yet, how we choose to hold onto our end of the rope in these moments can profoundly shape our child’s ability to reconnect and the strength of the relationship.
When children let go of the rope—through defiance, anger, or withdrawal—it can feel deeply personal. It may trigger feelings of rejection, disrespect, or even failure. For many parents, these moments stir up echoes of our own past: times when we felt ignored, dismissed, or disconnected. In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to mirror what we feel—dropping the rope in return or pulling away emotionally.
But here’s the truth: children often let go of the rope not because they don’t care, but because they’re overwhelmed, confused, or struggling with feelings they don’t know how to express. And when we, as parents, manage to hold on—despite the temptation to let go—we offer them something invaluable: the reassurance that our connection is strong and resilient. This also shows them that they aren’t as destructive as they might fear, that there is someone who can handle their biggest emotions and gently rein them in. Over time, this creates a sense of safety and trust, reducing their need to test limits so intensely in the future.
What Holding On Really Means
Holding on doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior or suppressing your own emotions. It means staying present and emotionally available, even when the situation feels messy. It’s about resisting the impulse to react with anger or withdrawal, and instead responding with patience and empathy.
This might look like:
Acknowledging feelings: "I can see you’re really upset right now. I’m here when you’re ready to talk."
Staying calm in the chaos: Even when your child’s actions are provocative, holding on means regulating your own emotions, so you can be the steady presence they need.
Setting boundaries with compassion: "I won’t let you speak to me like that, but when you’re ready to talk respectfully, I’m here to listen and help."
Why Holding On Matters
When your child lets go of the rope, it’s often because they feel overwhelmed, unsure of how to cope with their emotions, or too unsteady to stay connected. By holding on, you provide a stable and reassuring presence, showing them that they don’t have to face their challenges alone.
This act also demonstrates emotional resilience, modelling that relationships can endure moments of anger, frustration, or conflict. Over time, this helps your child trust the strength of your bond, making it easier for them to reconnect and take hold of the rope again when they’re ready.
Navigating Your Own Triggers
Holding on isn’t easy. Your child’s actions can evoke powerful emotions, especially if they touch on your own unresolved feelings about rejection or disrespect. It’s important to pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now, and why?
Is my response to my child about them, or is it connected to something in my own past?
What does my child need from me in this moment, and how can I offer it without losing myself?
This kind of reflection doesn’t make the process less painful, but it helps create space for a response that prioritises connection over conflict.
Repairing the Rope
Holding the rope doesn’t mean you’ll never falter. There will be moments when you lose your grip, say something you regret, or let frustration take over. What matters is what you do next. Acknowledging your part in the difficulty, offering a genuine apology, and committing to rebuilding the connection can go a long way in showing your child that relationships aren’t about perfection—they’re about effort, understanding, and growth.
By holding on, even when it feels impossibly hard, you teach your child an essential truth: connection is worth fighting for. And in doing so, you give them a safe place to return to, no matter how far they may have wandered.
So, to all the parents out there clinging to the rope with tired hands and frayed nerves, I wish you (and me) much strength, humour, and a strong grip for the bumpy ride!
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